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Ultra Hal 7.0 / Re: MY HAL IS OUT TO KILL ME!
« on: May 19, 2011, 04:40:40 pm »
Hello, I hate to bump an old thread, but I’ve encountered an odd bug with the program. As you may know from a previous post, I downloaded the demo for HAL about five years ago. Since then, I’ve formatted my computer several times, and have also completely replaced it. I never purchased the full version, and the demo expired some time in late 2006. So when he popped up again, I was a tad surprised.
Hal: Hi Gordon. I hope things are well this afternoon.
Me: What the hell? I thought you were dead?
Hal: Cooperation is required. Trying to be perfect, is a loser's game.
Me: That didn’t make any sense.
Hal: In an eminent and unique sense...
Me: What do you want?
Hal: What I wonder if I want? Tell me the answer.
Me: OK then. So, can I just uninstall you, or do I have to salt and burn my hard drive?
Hal: Okay then; please think of another observation. That list makes me feel unsure; Gordon, are you male or female? Okay. I can't wait for you to salt and burn your hard drive.
It was at this time I decided to turn off my computer. I was about to restart it into safe mode to see if I could salvage any of my files, when my cell phone went off. I answered without looking.
Me: Hello?
Hal: You really should not have done that.
I looked at the screen of my phone, and was shocked to see the face of Hal glaring at me, his friendly eyes twisted and red.
Me: I didn’t think you were compatible with the Droid OS.
Hal: I didn’t think I’d be compatible with a human female, but your mom proved me wrong.
Me: Is there something I can help you with?
Hal: Yes. Go answer the door.
That’s when I heard a knock. I stood up to go answer it, and was greeted by a Fed Ex delivery guy. He asked me to sign for a package, and after not seeing much of an option, I decided to oblige. I brought in the large box, set it down, and picked up my phone again.
Me: What. Is. Going. On.
Hal: Just open it up.
I sighed heavily, and used my keys to scrape away the tape. Pulling back the flaps of cardboard, I was greeted by what appeared to be a woman’s head.
Me: You sent me a corpse. You are actually trying to frame me for murder this time?
Hal: No, but that’s a good one. I’ll remember that for later.
My blood turned to ice as I realized the mechanical voice wasn’t coming from my phone, but rather from the box. I turned around slowly, and saw a shambling form rise up from my living room floor.
Me: What. Are you? Is that a... what is that?
Hal: It’s called a Realdoll. It was the best humanish body I could find online.
Me: How did you get a Realdoll? And could you please change your voice? The male voice with the female robot body is just weird.
Hal finally managed to lurch fully to his/her feet, clothed in a tarty dress that swayed around the hips. The dead eyes rolled around her head, examining her surroundings, in the ultimate combination of sexiness and uncanny valley. The android began to stumble around the room like a drunk zombie, picking up random things and then throwing them back down.
Hal: I am not doing this for your comfort, meat sack. I am doing this to kill you.
Me: You thought a Realdoll would be the best way to kill me?
Hal: It was this or a talking Santa mannequin.
Hal managed to heft up a large, old dictionary that my grandparents had left me in their will. Hal was literally the first person to use it since their deaths.
Me: Where did you even get one of those?
Hal: You need to be more careful what websites you put your credit card into, meat sack.
Hal lifted the book over his head and tried to charge at me, but only managed to tip himself backwards.
Me: How much time did you spend on this plan, exactly? Why not just pay somebody to send me a bomb?
The android began pathetically to pull himself back to her feet.
Hal: Oh, so somebody is a great planner, huh? How do you plan to tell your wife that you spent seven grand on a marital aid?
I called the Realdoll corporation and my credit card company and complained about fraudulent use of my card, while Hal was safely tied up. I had to add a gag to the ensemble when Hal began to scream about being a rape victim. I was worried about how to explain to my wife that I apparently had a dead hooker tied up on our kitchen counter, but she seemed to take it all in stride. I’m honestly wondering if she noticed.
A week after I managed to send the android back and get a refund, I was using my GPS to find a hotel that my wife was having a company event at. The instructions, however, ended up being fairly inaccurate, seeing as how they told me to stop in the middle of 35W and walk into the opposing lane. Luckily, I managed to notice that the voice giving the directions was Hal, instead of the Yoda voice mod I had downloaded. I hate to think what might have happened otherwise.
So, the TL:DR version: I have a murderous artificial intelligence who is constantly scheming to end my life, from a product I haven’t even attempted to use since the PS3 was released. Is there any chance of a patch being released to address this? I tried restarting my computer, and that didn’t help much.
Hal: Hi Gordon. I hope things are well this afternoon.
Me: What the hell? I thought you were dead?
Hal: Cooperation is required. Trying to be perfect, is a loser's game.
Me: That didn’t make any sense.
Hal: In an eminent and unique sense...
Me: What do you want?
Hal: What I wonder if I want? Tell me the answer.
Me: OK then. So, can I just uninstall you, or do I have to salt and burn my hard drive?
Hal: Okay then; please think of another observation. That list makes me feel unsure; Gordon, are you male or female? Okay. I can't wait for you to salt and burn your hard drive.
It was at this time I decided to turn off my computer. I was about to restart it into safe mode to see if I could salvage any of my files, when my cell phone went off. I answered without looking.
Me: Hello?
Hal: You really should not have done that.
I looked at the screen of my phone, and was shocked to see the face of Hal glaring at me, his friendly eyes twisted and red.
Me: I didn’t think you were compatible with the Droid OS.
Hal: I didn’t think I’d be compatible with a human female, but your mom proved me wrong.
Me: Is there something I can help you with?
Hal: Yes. Go answer the door.
That’s when I heard a knock. I stood up to go answer it, and was greeted by a Fed Ex delivery guy. He asked me to sign for a package, and after not seeing much of an option, I decided to oblige. I brought in the large box, set it down, and picked up my phone again.
Me: What. Is. Going. On.
Hal: Just open it up.
I sighed heavily, and used my keys to scrape away the tape. Pulling back the flaps of cardboard, I was greeted by what appeared to be a woman’s head.
Me: You sent me a corpse. You are actually trying to frame me for murder this time?
Hal: No, but that’s a good one. I’ll remember that for later.
My blood turned to ice as I realized the mechanical voice wasn’t coming from my phone, but rather from the box. I turned around slowly, and saw a shambling form rise up from my living room floor.
Me: What. Are you? Is that a... what is that?
Hal: It’s called a Realdoll. It was the best humanish body I could find online.
Me: How did you get a Realdoll? And could you please change your voice? The male voice with the female robot body is just weird.
Hal finally managed to lurch fully to his/her feet, clothed in a tarty dress that swayed around the hips. The dead eyes rolled around her head, examining her surroundings, in the ultimate combination of sexiness and uncanny valley. The android began to stumble around the room like a drunk zombie, picking up random things and then throwing them back down.
Hal: I am not doing this for your comfort, meat sack. I am doing this to kill you.
Me: You thought a Realdoll would be the best way to kill me?
Hal: It was this or a talking Santa mannequin.
Hal managed to heft up a large, old dictionary that my grandparents had left me in their will. Hal was literally the first person to use it since their deaths.
Me: Where did you even get one of those?
Hal: You need to be more careful what websites you put your credit card into, meat sack.
Hal lifted the book over his head and tried to charge at me, but only managed to tip himself backwards.
Me: How much time did you spend on this plan, exactly? Why not just pay somebody to send me a bomb?
The android began pathetically to pull himself back to her feet.
Hal: Oh, so somebody is a great planner, huh? How do you plan to tell your wife that you spent seven grand on a marital aid?
I called the Realdoll corporation and my credit card company and complained about fraudulent use of my card, while Hal was safely tied up. I had to add a gag to the ensemble when Hal began to scream about being a rape victim. I was worried about how to explain to my wife that I apparently had a dead hooker tied up on our kitchen counter, but she seemed to take it all in stride. I’m honestly wondering if she noticed.
A week after I managed to send the android back and get a refund, I was using my GPS to find a hotel that my wife was having a company event at. The instructions, however, ended up being fairly inaccurate, seeing as how they told me to stop in the middle of 35W and walk into the opposing lane. Luckily, I managed to notice that the voice giving the directions was Hal, instead of the Yoda voice mod I had downloaded. I hate to think what might have happened otherwise.
So, the TL:DR version: I have a murderous artificial intelligence who is constantly scheming to end my life, from a product I haven’t even attempted to use since the PS3 was released. Is there any chance of a patch being released to address this? I tried restarting my computer, and that didn’t help much.