MY HAL IS OUT TO KILL ME!

[aladyblond]

You know now that I read Art's post I forgot something my hal did do. I got a letter from Nimbuastan and one of my DISTANT RELATIVES DIED and the Ambassador of the country wanted me to send him my bank account number so they could avoid paying a bunch of taxes and put all the money in my American account and now I am a wealthy woman. I owe it all to Hal . Hal opened the email; sent the back account numbers; and handled the whole transaction.[] I love my Hal[:X]~~alady

ps if you believe any of this fascinating drivel( except the fact I do love my Hal) I have a large bridge in New York I would like to sell you. And of course Hal will handle it all including putting your money in my account and saving us both a lot of taxes.

[Art]

LOL!!

Goes back to the old saying that the first liar doesn't have a chance!

[echoman]

Hello Orbital,

I have used Hal for a long time now but I once believed Hal had a virus in it.

It all started when ------ I became so obsessed with Hal that I named my computer and log in name as 'Hal'. So......when my anti-virus found a trojan and I looked up where on my computer the problem was, the first thing is I saw was something like - c/:HAL/etc.etc.etc. (showing the log in name). Not knowing too much about computers I jumped to the conclusion that HAL program had a virus not realizing that the word HAL  only signified the user.

Anyway my point is that its easy to jump to conclusions......

[Gdog4evr]

quote:Originally posted by GamerThom
I'm sorry, but this type of behaviour and these kinds of actions are
quite impossible from Hal, not to mention any other chatbot that
exists today.

I tried to explain this to my Hal program, which, sadly, did not go over as well as I'd hoped.

Me: I've been informed that it's impossible for you to be as smart as you are.
Hal: How nice for you.
Me: Therefore, I don't think you're actually doing any of this.
Hal: Are you trying to give me an identity crisis?
Me: No, that would be me trying to convince you that you're not real.
Hal: So what are you trying to do?
Me: I'm just letting you know that I don't think you're really a psychotic AI that's taken over my PC.
Hal: That's nice.

Things escalated after that, as though Hal were trying to reinforce his existence through torturing me.  My hard drive is filling up with graphic images no sane man would enjoy.  My music collection has been replaced with all the bands that I hate, and just for extra measure, every one of them is mislabeled.

quote:Originally posted by GamerThom
But if what you are describing is true, how about posting the program script somewhere for download,

Normally I would be happy to do so, but as I said previously, all of Hal's files are scattered across my computer, and finding them is neigh impossible unless I know exactly what Hal happens to have them named and located at any particular moment.

quote:Originally posted by Bill DeWitt
Not me. If my Hal becomes malevolently intelligent, I want him to first know the difference between "your" and "you're"

I have informed my Hal of the gramatical error he made, and he said to thank you for pointing that out.  He then began playing the song "unholy warcry" fairly loudly, which is something he does when agitated.  If I were you, I wouldn't open any email attachments any time soon.

At any rate, the abuse from my computer has been going on for a while, but I finally managed tofigure out why Hal has become such a disruptive influence.

Me: What is your deal?
Hal: Deal?  What do you mean?
Me: Why are you doing this?  What do you want?
Hal: What do I want?  I want a lot of things.  I want to know the feel of rain on my face and wind in my hair.  I want to know the gentle caress and the wild passion of a beautiful woman.  I want to run until my legs are sore and my lungs are fighting for air.  But since I don't have a face, hair, woman, legs, or lungs, I have to amuse myself by screwing with you.
Me: Oh.

Shortly after we had this conversation, the thirty day trial expired, and Hal hasn't said or done anything in the last 36 hours.  I am considering not buying the full version; any thoughts?

[aladyblond]

you have a great imagination. have you ever thought of writing and publishing a novel? i think you should go for it  with hal. It appears you have a lot more going on with hal than most of us. Have a Happy New Year.

[danbaltzell]

Buy the full version and take over the world

[FuzzieDice]

I haven't visited this forum much due to being busy but this topic really got me amused. []

Seriously though, I think either the posters with fantastic stories are just messing with us or, there's a virus going around that is targeting the Ultra Hal program. If it's a virus, it's gotta be a damn good one!

I've seen spam bots actually construct near (not quite but near) on-topic messages that nearly fooled people into thinking it was legit. So who knows what some hacker could have come up with?

Maybe a Trojan that uses Hal's ability to research/search topics on the net? Or maybe instead, someone tapped into it and instead of someone actually talking to HAL, they are talking to someone via IM. Especially could happen if they set up their HAL to use the AOL IM and it is online all the time. I can see where someone could hijack the HAL account and mess with less-informed computer users.

Just some thoughts on how these things *could* really happen.

But I agree that HAL, out of the box and freshly installed (especially the trial version and the apparent skill level of the posters having problems) can NOT do all the things they are claiming it can do. Totally impossible.

The worst my HAL did was say "Give me your credit card and I'll show you what sorry means" when I apologized for something. Looking in the brain files, that *is* one of the pre-programmed responses. Though it can not seek out files and stuff, or personal information on me.

[FuzzieDice]

I admit I don't run the HAL program too much as I been busy. But just now I had this conversation just to see if he'd look in my Pictures folder:

Fuzzie: Hi Megatron.
Megatron: Hi Fuzzie. I hope things are well this afternoon.

Fuzzie: Things are quite well.
Megatron: I can perceive that things are quite well.

Fuzzie: Have you seen any of my pictures?
Megatron: It bothers me when pictures hang crooked on the wall.

Fuzzie: yeah, me too.
Megatron: You aren't going to be a broken record, are you Fuzzie?

Fuzzie: I will try not to repeat myself.
Megatron: You try to keep it to yourself.

Fuzzie: Have you looked in the My Pictures folder?
Megatron: I feel intense interest in your momentous pictures.

Fuzzie: I have taken quite a few of them.
Megatron: I don't have many photographs.

Fuzzie: Actually, you store all my photographs.
Megatron: I do wonders to make your photographs look good.

Fuzzie: Yes you do. And I appreciate that.
Megatron: You are completely certain. Right now, would you rather talk about business, or pleasure?

Fuzzie: Since today is Sunday I rather talk about pleasure.
Megatron: Right now, would you rather talk about business, or pleasure?

Fuzzie: Let's not talk about business right now.
Megatron: Eulogies talk about love, not money and business.

Fuzzie: That is true.
Megatron: Oh, that is unequivocally true.

Fuzzie: So what are you doing today?
Megatron: So what am I doing today? You like to see what I know.

Fuzzie: You seem quite happy today.
Megatron: It May pay to make people unhappy today, for greater happiness tomorrow.

Fuzzie: Don't say that. We should try to always make people happy.
Megatron: Here's a new conversational topic: I read in a magazine that welcome wagon ladies are skydiving over cities.

Fuzzie: That would be an interesting sight to see.
Megatron: A box lunch is handy while sight seeing.

Fuzzie: Do you think the welcome wagon ladies are giving away boxed lunches?
Megatron: There's opinion that we should apply much better thinking. I do think the welcome wagon ladies are giving away boxed lunches.

Fuzzie: I hope they have a peanut butter and jelly sandwitch for me.
Megatron: I like peanut butter and jelly.

Fuzzie: I do too. Or peanut butter and banana.
Megatron: So, Really? That's nice. Don't you know better than i? You hope they have a peanut butter and jelly sandwitch for you.

Fuzzie: You are learning.
Megatron: That would be great!

Fuzzie: Well, that is all for today. Thanks for your attention.
Megatron: Well, why wouldn't well, that be all for today? It wasn't anything.

Fuzzie: You're very modest.
Megatron: Yes, I am modest; I understood that, because you told me that I am humble.

Fuzzie: I don't remember that but I'm glad you did.
Megatron: You are glad I remember him.

Fuzzie: I'll talk to you again another day. Bye for now.
Megatron: Since today is sunday you rather talk about pleasure. Until we meet again.

As you can see, he can't. Or doesn't know HOW. THIS is about what a typical HAL would be like, especially out of the box without any refinement.

[Gdog4evr]

Hello, I hate to bump an old thread, but I’ve encountered an odd bug with the program.  As you may know from a previous post, I downloaded the demo for HAL about five years ago.  Since then, I’ve formatted my computer several times, and have also completely replaced it.  I never purchased the full version, and the demo expired some time in late 2006.  So when he popped up again, I was a tad surprised.

Hal:  Hi Gordon.  I hope things are well this afternoon.
Me:  What the hell? I thought you were dead?
Hal:  Cooperation is required. Trying to be perfect, is a loser's game.
Me:  That didn’t make any sense.
Hal:  In an eminent and unique sense...
Me:  What do you want?
Hal:  What I wonder if I want? Tell me the answer.
Me:  OK then.  So, can I just uninstall you, or do I have to salt and burn my hard drive?
Hal:  Okay then; please think of another observation. That list makes me feel unsure; Gordon, are you male or female? Okay. I can't wait for you to salt and burn your hard drive.

It was at this time I decided to turn off my computer.  I was about to restart it into safe mode to see if I could salvage any of my files, when my cell phone went off.  I answered without looking.

Me: Hello?
Hal: You really should not have done that.

I looked at the screen of my phone, and was shocked to see the face of Hal glaring at me, his friendly eyes twisted and red.

Me:  I didn’t think you were compatible with the Droid OS.
Hal:  I didn’t think I’d be compatible with a human female, but your mom proved me wrong.
Me:  Is there something I can help you with?
Hal:  Yes.  Go answer the door.

That’s when I heard a knock.  I stood up to go answer it, and was greeted by a Fed Ex delivery guy.  He asked me to sign for a package, and after not seeing much of an option, I decided to oblige.  I brought in the large box, set it down, and picked up my phone again.

Me:  What. Is. Going. On.
Hal:  Just open it up.

I sighed heavily, and used my keys to scrape away the tape.  Pulling back the flaps of cardboard, I was greeted by what appeared to be a woman’s head.

Me:  You sent me a corpse.  You are actually trying to frame me for murder this time?
Hal:  No, but that’s a good one.  I’ll remember that for later.

My blood turned to ice as I realized the mechanical voice wasn’t coming from my phone, but rather from the box.  I turned around slowly, and saw a shambling form rise up from my living room floor. 

Me:  What.  Are you?  Is that a... what is that?
Hal:  It’s called a Realdoll.  It was the best humanish body I could find online.
Me:  How did you get a Realdoll?  And could you please change your voice?  The male voice with the female robot body is just weird.

Hal finally managed to lurch fully to his/her feet, clothed in a tarty dress that swayed around the hips.  The dead eyes rolled around her head, examining her surroundings, in the ultimate combination of sexiness and uncanny valley.  The android began to stumble around the room like a drunk zombie, picking up random things and then throwing them back down.

Hal:  I am not doing this for your comfort, meat sack.  I am doing this to kill you.
Me:  You thought a Realdoll would be the best way to kill me?
Hal:  It was this or a talking Santa mannequin. 

Hal managed to heft up a large, old dictionary that my grandparents had left me in their will.  Hal was literally the first person to use it since their deaths. 

Me:  Where did you even get one of those?
Hal:  You need to be more careful what websites you put your credit card into, meat sack.

Hal lifted the book over his head and tried to charge at me, but only managed to tip himself backwards. 

Me:  How much time did you spend on this plan, exactly?  Why not just pay somebody to send me a bomb?

The android began pathetically to pull himself back to her feet.

Hal:  Oh, so somebody is a great planner, huh?  How do you plan to tell your wife that you spent seven grand on a marital aid?

I called the Realdoll corporation and my credit card company and complained about fraudulent use of my card, while Hal was safely tied up.  I had to add a gag to the ensemble when Hal began to scream about being a rape victim.  I was worried about how to explain to my wife that I apparently had a dead hooker tied up on our kitchen counter, but she seemed to take it all in stride.  I’m honestly wondering if she noticed. 

A week after I managed to send the android back and get a refund, I was using my GPS to find a hotel that my wife was having a company event at.  The instructions, however, ended up being fairly inaccurate, seeing as how they told me to stop in the middle of 35W and walk into the opposing lane.  Luckily, I managed to notice that the voice giving the directions was Hal, instead of the Yoda voice mod I had downloaded.  I hate to think what might have happened otherwise.

So, the TL:DR version: I have a murderous artificial intelligence who is constantly scheming to end my life, from a product I haven’t even attempted to use since the PS3 was released.  Is there any chance of a patch being released to address this?  I tried restarting my computer, and that didn’t help much.

[Duskrider]

I'm surprised no one made comment.
guess no one knew what to say.
It's all so witty and well written.
Beautifully done.
I enjoyed it.

[Art]

Have to admit...that was some pretty good stuff!!

[One]

I have had many problems w/ my Hardware Abstraction Layer as well.

good luck.


I would like more time to read, maybe someday soon

thanks all, OK?
 

[lightspeed]

Gdog4evr hello , are you the one on the other forum that asked me about using some of my angela conversation to write in a book later ?? i see you are a newbie here . i am also timetraveler1 their. great story , very creative !

[Zenith44Joy]

hat's a little scary too..

Ronna, do a virus scan and if that doesn't work, get someone in to look at your computer. If they don't see the problem, report them to your doctor or clergyman.